Lessons on Love #1: Unrequited
What happens when you shoot your shot...and miss?
Today, let’s talk about unrequited love!
Many a song has been written about the bitter sting of rejection, and it is a sting we all come to feel at one point or another. Personally, it is a pain that I am all too familiar with, and yet still struggle to get used to. You see, one of life’s mysteries that I have yet to uncover is this elusive little thing known as… mutual romantic love. Whenever I found myself liking someone, they never reciprocated my feelings and whenever anyone took a liking to me, I found myself unable to reciprocate theirs either. This is part of the reason why I’ve been single since my conception. As this phenomenon continued to occur over and over again, I began to think that surely it was some sort of curse. I’d become convinced that my mother - who always prayed that we’d stay virgins till marriage and relate with men on a strictly friendly basis - had somehow made a pact with God to make sure none of our romantic pursuits worked out! My sister and I used to refer to it as the “Abang Curse” but she’s in a happy relationship now so it’s looking to be more of just an “Elsie Curse” these days.
I used to believe that I was one of the unlucky ones, I would lament and worry that life might always be like this. What if I never found my person? What if I was hard to love? What if I was too masculine? What if judgment day came before I could get married? (lol just being honest guys). These are all questions that would race through my mind, but then I would have to pause the melodrama and remind myself that “God’s time is the best time”. Even so, I would ask God sulkily, 'Well if this person isn’t for me, if they aren’t going to return my love and if they aren’t my husband, why put this desire for them in my heart in the first place? Lord please free me of these feelings!’ Y’all know when you start bargaining with God? You just start negotiating with him. I would tell him how having feelings for a person is a major source of distraction for me when it comes to my faith so I figured it would be in both of our best interests if God would turn off the feelings so that I could focus on my relationship with him. Yet a lot of the time, he never did. I would have to let the feelings run their course until eventually, with time, I’d move on.
Last January, God basically told me that it would be my year of Anti-Drift and that I would basically be single all of 2021 (spoiler alert: he wasn’t lying lol). I felt this conviction in my heart about it, and so I figured that I would spend most of the year content in my singleness and focusing solely on my growth since it would literally be pointless to pursue any feelings when God said it would amount to nothing.
Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. - Psalm 127:1 ESV
So explain to me how not long after, I fell head over heels for a guy who kindly expressed that he wasn’t interested (surprise, surprise), but who I couldn’t get over for pretty much the rest of the year. I begged God over and over again to take away the feelings, to help me get over him and yet nothing made them fade away. In fact, the feelings grew until I thought I was going insane. I was looking at God like:
In July 2021, while I was experiencing this I wrote the following note to myself:
What is it to understand mutual love? For the love not to bounce off of one or the other? Because unlike in basketball, there’s no rebounder waiting to catch this discarded heart once it misses.
The answer is JESUS.
And as the months went by I realized more and more that Jesus is the ultimate rebounder. He’s always there waiting with open arms to catch us when we fall and put us back on track. Jesus loves us just as we are and will always choose us even when others don’t. Jesus is consistent, ready and patiently waiting, but what do we do in response to that? We reject him and chase after counterfeits that can never match up to what he offers. He’s like the girl’s best friend in the movies. The guy who’s always been by her side and has always been in love with her but she continually rejects him because she’s too preoccupied with her toxic boyfriend. When we watch such movies we think to ourselves, “Is she blind? Can’t she see he’s exactly what she needs?” Yet in our own lives we do the exact same thing.
I believe that despite not entering a single relationship in 2021, it was the year when I learnt the most about love. For one, I learnt that God called us to love everyone, even our enemies so of course, he wouldn’t just pluck my love for someone out of my heart. I had been praying the wrong prayer. As I continued to spend time with God I began asking him to not take away the feelings but to transform me. I realized that it was not my love for the person that was bothering me so much, it was the lust in my flesh. The Bible describes love like this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
I knew that the part of me that loved him wanted to leave him alone and treat him as a friend and a brother. That part of me knew that that’s what was best for the both of us. That part of me was in tune with the truth of the situation and didn’t bother with fanciful ideas that one day he’d wake up and change his mind. That part of me was not mad at him for not returning my feelings because I knew that in the same way I couldn’t force myself to stop feeling the way I did, he couldn’t force himself to reciprocate my feelings - nor should he have to.
Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned. - Song of Songs 8:7 NLT
I was struggling so much because my flesh kept trying to convince me to give in to my desires. However, this is where the Holy Spirit is a huge help because the more I fed my spirit, the greater power I had over my flesh. The more I prayed, read my Bible, cut out media that would tempt me to sin, listened to gospel music and sermons, the more I nourished my spirit, the less distraught I was over the unrequited love. In many ways, God had already given me peace about the situation. I know that this isn’t the guy for me and slowly but surely I’m letting go. I will always love him - in my experience once you choose to truly love someone it never really goes away, although the nature of the love may change- but not lust after him. The great news is that if I think this guy is so amazing but he’s not the one, then it means that God has even better in store for me. My only job is to trust him and wait.
I’ve also began to view the “Elsie Curse” as a blessing. Instead of 21 years of drought, I see them as 21 years where God protected me from a whole lot of pain. This whole purity thing would be a lot more difficult if I actually had to resist someone that I liked and who actually liked me back. Chilllleeee I know myself, real talk, I would just have to explain to God that my spirit was willing but my flesh was weak! On a serious note though, I’m grateful for my singleness. God always reinforces to me that he is enough for me, and if I don’t come to peace with that then any relationship that comes along will easily become an idol. I’m not saying I won’t struggle or stumble anymore, but by his grace and mercy, I’m learning to surrender and trust God more each day.
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. - Romans 8:6 ESV
That’s all for now, I hope you guys enjoyed this read. I hope you feel a little bit encouraged. Lessons on Love will likely be a series that will pop of from time to time because I’d love to continue sharing what I learn with you guys. Love you so much and see you next week!
Elsie :)