Letters to the Lord #1

Reflecting on the Trinity, love, and fear...

Dear Heavenly Father,

It’s funny, I realize how the name I use to address these letters is often indicative of how I’m feeling.

On the warm and fuzzy days, when I feel more like Daddy’s little girl, rather than a child of God that has no idea what she’s doing I refer to You as Abba.

On other days my heart longs to address My Lord, and Saviour Jesus Christ. The One who came as a man, and died for me. The One who still bears the scars to prove it till this day. The One who has reconciled me to My Father, and still intercedes on my behalf each day.

Sometimes, and I admit this happens less often, I address my letters directly to Holy Spirit. There’s still a lot I don’t know or understand about Him. For the longest time I imagined Him as a sort of aura of light that surrounds us, one that we can’t see. Like, if this were a movie, the people of God would have little glowing orbs of light in their hearts. The light was like a living power that would enable them to do extraordinary things, but also, warm and comfort them in times of sorrow. But He’s not just Power, He’s not just Light, He’s a Person. And I’m still in the process of discovering who He is, what He’s like and what it means to be His friend.

Then on other days, when I kind of want to address all of You, or don’t know whose jurisdiction my letter falls under I just stick to “Dear God” and let the three of You figure it out.

I still struggle a lot with this Trinity thing…

I think a lot of us Christians do.

But one thing that I know, and that I’m sure of… is that You love me. Individually and all together. You LOVE me.

What comes to mind as I write that, is the fact that I know exactly what that means, and simultaneously have no idea what that means.

I know You love me. You’ve come through for me time and time again. You’ve comforted me, encouraged me, protected me and saved me from all kinds of trouble. My personal experience is a living testimony to the fact that You really do love me. Yet at the same time, there are times when the way I behave towards you or think about you make it clear that I don’t really understand what that means.

Paul says in the book of Ephesians:

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.” (NLT)

And John says in 1 John 4:18:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (NIV)

The NLT version of that same verse says,

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

I wonder whether if I knew—and I mean truly knew and had a revelation—about Your love just how different my life would be. Would I finally stop worrying so much?Would I finally stop this constant battle between my head and my heart, faith and logic, and finally have REST?!

Why is it that, I’ve seen You miraculously grant me a job and provide for me financially in the past, and yet this time I worry once again that You won’t show up. I worry that I might have missed something or there’s an instruction from You that I’m sitting on and as a result You’ll withhold Your blessings from me. You’ll let me experience suffering to teach me a lesson—

As I write, I realize that John was right. The fear I’m feeling really does have to do with punishment.

In Jeremiah 29:11 You say:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)

I sometimes worry that we have different definitions of harm.

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This letter is one I wrote on June 9th, 2023. I had this burning desire to write and this is what came out. I was so shocked at what I had written in the last line that I abruptly stopped writing and left my computer. It felt like blasphemy. “How could I possibly say that?!” I thought. But in the moment, it was exactly how I felt.

I never really expected that I’d be releasing this letter to the public. At least not with the last section included. I considered taking it out and continuing the letter in a more uplifting or positive way. But the Lord reminded me about the Psalms, and about the fact that, the reason we resonate with them so much is that they were honest. David and the other psalmists didn’t sugarcoat their feelings when they were upset at God, and God didn’t punish them for expressing how they felt. That’s just how good and humble our God is.

I had been a through a very rough couple of months when I wrote this letter. I had felt like God had in some ways abandoned me, and let me suffer for what seemed like no reason. It’s something I’m still processing through, but in His goodness and grace He has been patient with me. Slowly and steadily walking me through the healing process, showing me His love for me, teaching me who He is, and reminding me that one day I won’t have to live in this fallen world. He’ll wipe away every tear, bind every wound, vanquish all evil, and lead me to life everlasting.

Written with love,

Elsie Abang